I follow a lot of sex workers on social media, specifically Twitter, and sometimes people post conversations with clients that turn verbally and psychologically abusive. As someone with a psychology background, and who have dealt with narcissists in my personal life, I know that the clients reactions are certainly not about the sex worker themselves. Rather, it is something within them that they feel the need to triumph and dominate the sex worker through hurtful words and/or threats.
I have encountered this as well, fortunately not very often. I have even experienced someone who continued to harass me with different numbers because I refused to see them. It is such a sad thing to see people enduring abuse because of one’s own insecurities. But where does this come from? What triggers this?
Assertiveness & Aggressiveness
These people with narcissistic traits may hold a misconception that women should be submissive and agreeable. Assertiveness is not a typical feminine trait when we think of traditional femininity. When you add the extra layer of sex work as a profession, some people may see people in this job of choice as an object rather than a human, especially if they hold a misogynistic perspective (which narcissistic men usually do). These people may associate this “object” as a thing that can be used and abused for the individuals pleasure at their own leisure. When this “thing” practices assertiveness, this can disrupt the misogynistic ideologies by challenging their belief system - objects “should not” and “do not” talk back. As a result, these insecure, narcissistic people tend to turn aggressive as a way to hurt and reclaim their dominance over the person. Misogyny is another weapon they can use to try and reclaim their control.
I recently watched a podcast by Dr. Phil explaining the difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness. He defined assertiveness as “when you act in a way to protect your rights without trampling over someone else’s (rights)”. This resonated with me because, in my personal life, I have been called aggressive and have corrected these men to let them know that I was being assertive. I have deduced that the only reason I have been called aggressive is because I am a woman, and I stand up for myself. I would rather stand up for myself than have someone trample all over me. Finding this voice, regardless of what others think, has helped me become stronger person, as well as identify the narcissistic traits in others easily and protect myself, and others, from these toxic people.
On the other hand, Dr. Phil defined aggression as someone protecting their rights while trampling all over someone else’s rights. He explained that this can be done typically with gaslighting, including saying things like, “you’re overreacting” or “I’m not mad”. Gaslighting is defined as a psychologically abusive tactic that abusers use to create doubt, or cast confusion in the victim’s mind. Although this technique can be used often in personal relationships in conjunction with aggression, this may not always be the case in professional relationships, especially if the abuser doesn’t even know the victim personally.
Why is This Relevant and How Does This Relate?
Relating back to the beginning of this article, many clients, or potential clients, tend to practice aggressiveness when faced with assertiveness from the provider. For example, the client may ask for a lower rate, devaluing the provider’s worth. The provider will practice assertiveness explaining that this is not an option (practising assertiveness by protecting their own value. Not trampling the client’s rights.) The provider will then we met with aggression (name-calling, threats, etc. - trampling on the providers rights by disrupting their peace and sense of security because they can’t get their way). This can essentially be seen a temper tantrum coming from a toddler stuck in an adult’s body. Some long-term clients may try to gaslight the provider so that they can try to manipulate them to see them again as a client but it doesn’t always reach this stage. It is important to be aware of these patterns in your personal and professional life so that you can build boundaries to protect your mental health and well-being. So what can you do?
What Can a Boundary Look Like?
In my situation, I do not engage. Not only do I not have the time or energy to entertain this juvenile behavior, I also do not feel it is right to reinforce it. Giving any sort of attention to this behavior, positive or negative, can reinforce their power over you. I understand that this behaviour is coming from unmet needs in their childhood, and it has nothing to do with me. I do not take any of this personally, nor do I care about the person who is throwing out insults as what they say holds no value or weight in the way I feel about myself. In personal relationships, it is a little bit more challenging for people to have this sort of boundary of no contact. You can form a boundary of not engaging in behaviors, but narcissism cannot be cured unless the narcissist wants to work on themselves. Sometimes no contact is the only motivator for change. Find a way to maintain your mental health and protect it at all costs. Boundaries are the best gift that you can give yourself.
Do you have an aggressive person in your life? Or are you the aggressor?
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