Psychological and emotional manipulation was a large part of my childhood growing up and I vowed to never treat nor take this type of treatment from anyone in my adulthood. I’ve always sought out relationships built on mutual respect, healthy boundaries and understanding - reciprocated on both ends in both my professional and personal life.
I’m grateful for the experiences that I had growing up because it heightened my awareness to manipulation, helped me identify red flags quickly and inspired me to find ways to protect myself (and, by sharing my experiences, help others as well).
I wrote this blog to hopefully help others to gain some insight into their screening process in their professional relationships or reassess boundaries in their personal or (potential) romantic relationships with regards to the use of emotional manipulation for personal gain.
I want to note that this is only my interpretation and it is not to be taken for absolute truth. I use my intuition, educational background and interpretation of context to keep myself safe, mentally and physically, in all of my relationships. Because of my own personal interpretation, I feel like if someone is trying to use manipulation to facilitate a response, I do not want to accept this person into my life because it enables bad behaviour and communicates that a person will get what they want if they treat me or talk to me in a certain way that makes me feel uncomfortable.
What Is Emotional Manipulation?
According to WebMD, manipulation is the act of harmful influence over others to fulfill their own needs. Manipulation can involve mental and/or emotional aspects. The person doing the manipulation takes charge of the situation by creating an imbalance of power to get what they want.
Psychoanalyzing Instagram Comments
I wanted to share this public screenshot as an opportunity for learning and to hopefully share some insight into some of the things that we, as people, may experience in some relationships in our lives.
I wanted to give some background context to both people. I am not aware of who yellow is (the second commenter for those who may be colour deficient or colour blind), but I validate blue’s (the first and last commenter) experience of knowing me personally. I wanted to give some background context into our last point of contact.
For yellow, I’m assuming that he may have reached out more than once (given the nature of his comment) but I’m not 100% certain. I did a recent post on Twitter/X listing the best ways to open up a conversation upon first point of contact. My screening involves assessing the way a person talks to me and how much thought they put in their initial message.
Connection is also very important to me and I hold my standards high. If I feel like someone contacting me will not align with who I am, and we will not be a great fit for each other, I will not welcome them into my space. There are always other people out there that may connect with them better than I will.
For blue, he has always been respectful and kind. When he asked me if I’d be open to pushing my boundaries at our first meeting, I almost blacklisted him but he apologized and has shown respect from then on.
When I became independent, I worked out a hotel. It was the first step before committing to a condo and I’m grateful for the experience as this was a necessary process to be where I am today.
My last interaction with blue was when he sent me a text reaching out. I forgot to respond or missed his message (I can’t remember which one) to which his follow up message was to the effect of “I guess you’re too busy for me now”. This conversation was no more than a year ago.
After both commenters jumped on the bandwagon of, what I perceived to be, public emotional manipulation, I felt like it would be a great opportunity for a learning experience.
I was able to break down three themes from these very limited information presented, using reputable articles and my own interpretation based on my experiences intertwined with my educational background.
Exaggeration/Generalization
According to WebMD, exaggerations or generations are forms of manipulation which are typically accompanied by all or nothing statements. This can include things like “you’ve never cared about me” or “you only care about ______”. Both comments seem to fit the theme of exaggeration or generalization, stating that I’m “too busy” or “(he) didn’t visit frequently enough” instead of considering other variables like I may have missed the initial messages, forgotten to respond (or hit send) or even asking me why I haven’t responded (or showing concern for my wellbeing as another approach). In the case of yellow, perhaps it wasn’t about me being too busy but rather the initial message may not have made me feel comfortable enough to respond.
Passive Aggression
Both comments seem to be avoiding expressing their emotions of disappointment, hurt, rejection and/or any other type of emotion that someone may feel when they don’t get a response. WebMD does caution that people don’t always use this technique to manipulate but, in this situation, I think it is being used to get what they want (to facilitate a response).
Guilt Trip
PsychCentral expands on guilt tripping as an extension of passive aggression but people may use guilt tripping as a way to get reassurance that they are cared about or (exist in the mind) of another person. I think in the case of yellow, it seems like we didn’t have the opportunity to build a relationship yet so there may not be any emotional ties but he is trying to get some sort of response. With blue, we’ve met several time and had great experiences so there may be a little more emotion intertwined in the comments he made.
Healthy Relationships & Growth
I also wanted to end this blog stating that people who care for you want to see you grow. This is typically signs of a healthy relationship. In the case for blue, it seems like he isn’t happy with my growth (becoming too busy/successful) and may take it as an insult and a negative connection to his value or worth.
I wanted to, again, reiterate that this blog is written based only my interpretation, experience and educational background. It may not necessarily reflect the thoughts and feelings of blue and yellow.
We don’t owe anyone anything and others do not owe us either. We are not obliged to take poor treatment from any other adult regardless of the type of relationship - romantic, familial, personal or professional. Practice gratitude, be patient, ask questions, express curiosity and treat others as you’d like to be treated. You truly never know what someone else is going through.
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