Recently, I had a T&A session with a lovely gentleman, looking to share a unique experience of incremental boundary pushing and self-exploration with his wife. One of the questions that he asked me was, “how do I facilitate (my) sessions with couples?”
I have a guideline of principles that I’ve established and implement in my sessions to ensure I’m respecting all parties involved. Although we all different in terms of our boundaries, we all have a need to be heard and respected. With couples, it can be a slippery slope. My theory (and feedback) as to why many couples choose to have sessions with me is because of my strict boundaries. Many couples opt to have their (first) experiences with me because of this, focusing on the adventure of sensuality instead of the end goal. And because of this, I’m able to fulfill one of my first rules.
Rule # 1 : Never get in the middle of a couple’s relationship.
I had a couple that came to visit me for a session for their first time a while back (I’ve never talked about this experience in my blog previously) who we will name Mr. and Mrs. M. During our session, Mr. M was having sex with Mrs. M on the couch. She kept begging both of us to have sex, which is something she said she really wanted in the moment, but I had to remind her of my boundaries. It turned out to be a very positive experience for them both despite me not being able to fulfill her fantasy.
I learned that after their experience with me, they saw another sex professional who did provide full service. According to what I was told, she became very jealous as she said she felt left out and ignored by her husband. The last thing that I heard was that this had caused unresolvable problems with their relationship, leading to extreme stress and strain in their personal lives and negatively impacting their family dynamics.
What his wife thought she wanted in the moment turned out to be a negative experience. I can’t comment on what happened in their session with the other service provider, but this ideology leads us into my second rule when interacting with couples.
Rule # 2: Ensuring to inspire connection between both individuals
I am just an ‘extra’ in this interaction. I am not the main character. The couples are the main attractions and I make sure to maintain my background role throughout our whole interaction.
I have a gift of being able to read and see people. I also have the amazing ability to see relational dynamics. Are both individuals quiet? Do both like to talk? Is one more talkative than the other? Are they shy? Outgoing? Who are they?
I want to ensure this thought process is coming across clearly. I’m not making a diagnosis of preconceptions in my head about individuals. I’m simply watching the dynamics of conversation between both individuals and asking questions to validate (or challenge) my belief systems. For example, if I see an individual who seems to be shy/nervous to get undressed, I’ll ask them if they’d like to keep an article of clothing on or if they’d prefer me to get undressed with them. If a person expresses that they are shy to talk about a specific topic, I might put them on the spot in a playful way to help them move out of their comfort zone (and reassuring them that they have no obligation to answer my questions if I am making them feel uncomfortable).
Typically, before we start our sessions, I like to chat and get a better idea of what brought them to me. What stood out about me compared to other service providers? What kind of things are they hoping to explore? What is something that I can give them that they feel like they will gain from my presence? This gives me a better sense of how they interact, who facilitated the idea and who might be a little bit more comfortable (or experienced) if applicable. It also gives me a chance to chat with them and get to know them better as individuals, as well as a couple, where ever these questions may lead us.
Inspiring connection with me is important, but connection between both individuals is even more important. Sometimes I ask questions to one person for, not only my knowledge, but for the opportunity for the other to learn more about their partner, asking questions about the things about things they may not have realized they didn’t know or, sometimes when a stranger asks them a question, it may be easier to answer than having your partner ask them directly.
Some couples share what they desire or things that they are interested in. Typically couples discussed these things beforehand and sometimes these things come out organically in the presence of a third-party, neutral person (in this case, myself). Sometimes it’s easier to express these desires without the fear of backlash from your partner (even though these fears may be irrational and not founded in reality). Finding the courage to share these thoughts and feelings with your partner can inspire a deeper connection, and this is always what I aim to do.
In addition to this, I always ensure and moderate that both people are having a relatively similar amount of time to talk. I try to moderate so that everyone feels heard and have the chance to express themselves. Typically in heterosexual relationships, I usually focus more on the female because it is usually she who is more nervous. I never want to come across as threatening or having ulterior motives. I aim to ensure that she feels connected with her significant other, making our time spent together as a “throuple” enjoyable and connected.
In addition to inspiring connections through divulging thoughts and feelings in conversation, I also want to ensure that everyone feels comfortable with the physicality of our interactions. This leads me to my next rule.
Rule # 3: Communication is key in establishing boundaries
My sessions with couples are not just verbal, but also physical. The briefing part of our session also incorporates talking about each person’s boundary with their own body as well as their boundary with their partner’s body. For example, perhaps both parties are comfortable with me touching her vagina, but not his penis.
Some couples are looking to explore but may not ready to move to that point, yet. Moving back to my T&A session earlier this week, we talked about their desire for her to interact with another male that I would recommend (in my presence) but this is something that he shared that they would both have to work up to, considering factors of comfort level and incremental steps towards this goal.
Another thing that we talked about during this talk session (and an important part of this rule) is that the conversation doesn’t stop as soon as the physicality of the session starts. It’s important to continue to check in with everyone during the session as boundaries and consent can change - whether the person wants to scale back or go further than initially discussed. And it’s not just enough to check in with one partner, but also the other if they are on board too.
In summary, if I’m unsure of what people mean when they share, I ask questions. If one person is trying to communicate with the other person, I’m the middle person, the translator and the advocator to ensure they feel heard. When couples leave my space, I want them to feel revitalized, connected, happy and renewed. I always ensure they leave feeling like they gained a beautiful experience with their partner, feeling respected, heard and closer than before.
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