While I’ve been taking my time off, I’ve been watching a lot of documentaries. I am not a typical TV watcher unless it is something non-fiction, educational and interesting to me (mostly psychology-related and unique stories that I haven’t heard of before). A few days ago, I watched a documentary on Netflix called “Tell Me Who I Am”. This post will not be a spoiler but I wanted to share some things about this documentary that really resonated with me and, as always, how it relates to what I do.
The foundation of this story is about a set of twin brothers. One of the twins (Alex) has a motorcycle accident and unfortunately has a traumatic head injury. As a result, he loses all of his long term memory and forget everyone in his life except his identical twin brother (Marcus). He relied on and trusted his twin to fill him in on all the details of his life prior to the accident.
Over the years, Marcus begins to fill Alex in on details of the people in his life but he doesn’t give him accurate information about his past. Every story that Marcus spun always had a positive twist on it. Let’s be clear that not everything Marcus shared was a lie.
Alex eventually finds that Marcus has been hiding some traumatic memories from their past, which is obviously devastating to him. Marcus’ reasoning was he wanted to “protect” Alex from the pain of the trauma that they experienced prior to the accident and wanted to paint people in their lives as inherently good because it was a life that he wish he had. Alex’s perspective was that he wanted the truth because he had already lost himself and lying about the life he never had caused him to lose himself again.
There is a plethora of research to suggest and show that trauma changes the neuro pathways and even structures of the brain. It’s inevitable that a person will experience trauma at some point in their lives - each event impacting people differently. It is how we deal with the trauma that determines how resilient we will become.
I think that it is interesting that we tend to view anything unpleasant as “negative” and the automatic reaction is to shy away from these unpleasant memories that create negative feelings. This makes sense if we look at it from an evolutionary perspective: run away from the object that is trying to harm you. However, this is not adaptable when it comes to pain in our society today. Actively avoiding these issues can make the pain and trauma worse as this creates a barrier to healing these emotional wounds. The more a person explores trauma and revisits these feelings, the easier the processing becomes. Desensitization to these memories, thoughts, emotions and events occurs the more that we revisit them.
Family rules are rules that your family create in order to keep perceived harmony within the family unit. One of my family rules was “do not talk about feelings or issues and rather use avoidance to pretend they don’t exist”. I’m sure the majority of my readers can relate. I do not practice these rules because I see the damage it causes to people around me through not resolving inner trauma or even issues between people. Rather, I’ve practiced being open and honest about my feelings, thoughts and experiences. This has brought me closer to being my authentic self which has lead to a happier and more fulfilling life by awareness of associations in my life - what brings me happiness vs. what is unhealthy for my quality of life.
There are many people who come visit me and need the space to talk and be open about their personal life, whether it’s related to their current family relationships, trauma they experienced in their past or other stressors that they’re struggling and feeling stuck with. Many people shared that conversing with me has been helpful, whether I’m challenging their internal belief system that’s (sometimes) based on their family rules, validating their emotions and thoughts related to their experiences or guiding them through potential decisions they can make to change their situation that isn’t working for them.
Alternatively, there are some people who come to me to escape their every day life and build a positive life in our time together without wanting to talk about their outside life. Some people may even lie about their situations so they can have an hour or two living in this fantasy world they construct. This is a way in which they can “take a break” from life and find joy in something they fantasize about, whether it’s giving up their control to me or enjoying a sensual build up of sexual energy through teasing and touch. We, as humans, are so conditioned to live in the past and in the future that we don’t have any time to enjoy the present. The time with me is a moment to live presently, in the way that they choose, not worrying about anything or anyone temporarily in the outside world.
I think there’s a balance that should be recognized between both of these concepts (and with regards to the twins’ story). I think it is very important to be aware of yourself, and any trauma that you’ve experienced so that you can realize where your thoughts, feelings, behaviors and decisions are coming from. This can be empowering when seeking out your true, authentic self and, in turn, feeling like a happier, more fulfilled and confident person. Additionally, it’s important to distinguish being aware of and confront these trauma but it’s another to camp and stay in that mindset 24/7. I think it’s important to balance out exploring these difficult topics with escapes in your life that bring your pleasure in the present moment, whether it’s golfing, going to the gym, or even taking a vacation.
Confront your fears, take a break from exploration when they become overwheling and enjoy things that bring you happiness in the moment.
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