After my wife and I met with Autumn as she covered in her previous blog, we headed out for dinner to discuss what had just occurred. The short drive to the restaurant was quite a blur and I can recall rationalizing out loud what my intentions were over and over. I felt confident that we would talk about what just happened, laugh it off, and move on with our lives. I was wrong. That didn’t happen. It wasn’t too much longer that I found myself alone after she emotionally excused herself to the washroom, and soon after out to the car long before finishing her meal. This had never occurred in our 26 year relationship, 19 of which have been in marriage. I knew that she was very hurt and upset. I was fully aware that she needed to process everything that was running through her head after learning about where my curiosity led me. I was more than willing to give her the time and space that she needed.
I had only given her tiny bits of information as to what I was thinking would be a great way to be able to start reconnecting with one another. After all, we had been raising two kids relatively on our own, and it has only been recently that the kids are at an age where we are starting to have more adult alone time.
Soon after our university years were complete, we quickly had successful careers and started the life we had dreamed about. Did we rush into what was expected of us? After all, we did get married, bought a house, and moved in at what was pretty much the same time… that’s what you are supposed to do, right? You have to start living your life as a married couple. Looking back, it would appear that we were just checking the boxes of what was expected of us from family members, what other friends were doing, and society in general. I always felt that I had to meet the expectations that were placed upon me before life started to get away on you. It laughable now because we were both only 26 at the time. Shortly afterward, the next box on our list was children and it was checked off in a big way with twins.
All of the above is what I perceive that others could look at our life together with envy. To an outsider of our relationship, everything always goes our way so easily and almost perfectly. Throwing twins into the mix of things was just the icing on the cake. Upon learning that we were having twins, I had many different feelings… some good, some bad, and some downright ugly. So many things ran through my mind and I always hated the fact that we made it look so easy, especially since so many people around us struggled to start a family, and in some cases they simply weren’t able to. Here we were having an “instant family”just handed over to us.
Personally, when things don’t always work out how they should in my mind, I begin to unravel on the inside and it starts to show on the outside. I am a typical people pleaser with a strong hint of perfectionism which is responsible for this. In my professional life a lot has changed over the last five years and was beginning to be a problem. I needed help. It took a lot for me to reach out for it professionally because I was always under the impression that I could work things out on my own. I’m glad I reached out for help. It is one of the best decisions I have ever made, although it did take some time for me to really open up. It gave me some understanding of myself and it led me on a journey in many directions that I started to take by myself. I should have included my wife… only I didn’t.
I began reading, listening to podcasts, and various other rabbit holes on my own that led to sexual curiosities that I kept to myself. This is due the potential of feeling deep shame and embarrassment when bringing up topics to the person that I love and trust the most. She has been my rock, my biggest supporter, my everything for 26 years. This doesn’t even count the years of friendship before we fell in love with each other. We have always talked and shared everything together. Well, as it turns out, not everything. We had talked about sex and our sexual relationship, but we never REALLY talked about it.
We can admit that we are both to blame for this. This was contributed from a lack of talking about sex in our upbringings and that we were both raised Catholic. We had a sex life, but we just never talked about it and just kind of fumbled along, guessing what we needed… wanted… and desired. I know now that many others are likely in the same situation. You might be reading this and see some familiar things. If you do, I hope that this can help you.
This is what eventually led me to Autumn. I came across what she offered around a year ago while looking into having a couples massage after we had both recently began massage therapy and we had a couples massage together on vacation. I really got a lot of excitement from that experience thinking it was so hot, so sexy. It really turned me on and I was keen to experience something a little more together to really spice things up. I initially brushed it off by telling myself that it was a ridiculous thought and I even felt guilty for thinking of it. Months later I stumbled into Autumn’s information once again and took the time learn a little bit more. I started reading all of her blogs and her posts on X/Twitter. A lot of her posts and blogs resonated with me. This is what drew me in and I quickly realized that she seemed to offer something unique on an intellectual level. Her posts promoting the importance mental health aligned with what I had started promoting as a leader in my workplace. The posts displayed her kindness to others no matter their background and this matched a lot of the feelings that I have towards others. It didn’t just align with me, it also matched the way my wife thinks and feels. I know this because over the years of our relationship I have learned so much more through her actions on how to be accepting and understanding of others. It is my belief that this is why I gravitated to Autumn knowing that she provided a safe, non-judgmental space. I was just to scared to mention it to my wife, and I decided to experience sessions with Autumn on my own while trying to find a way to include my wife since this what is what I was setting out to do. My wife and marriage is what I talked to Autumn about for the majority of the time along with a lot of work related stressors. I wanted us to learn more together from Autumn while and strengthening our relationship. I got really excited about this and rushed into it during a period of time while our kids were away thinking that it was a great opportunity.
That’s where I really fucked up. I didn’t include my wife in my plans. I didn’t share enough information due to being afraid and to avoid feeling silly and it really blew up in my face. There was that embarrassment and shame creeping in once again. I thought it would just magically work out. I take full ownership of the situation that I put us in.
When we got back home that night, I was scared. I didn’t know what was going to happen, and neither did she. “Time and space” I kept telling myself. She didn’t even want me to touch her. It was going to be a while before that was going to happen and I respected that. She required that. The next day she was still hurt. We talked a lot. There were questions and there were honest answers. We touched, little by little. Our kids were picked up from the airport that day, and I informed them that their mother was upset with me. I prepared some things that I wanted to say to them about how to listen to their “person” when they find them one day and to not be afraid to tell them anything, no matter how embarrassed or silly they may feel. They saw the tears in my eyes, they knew I meant it. I know they will never forget that.
Once the family was back together, there was more touch, little by little, inch by inch. First hand holding, moving onto touching other safe parts of her body, and she would also move closer to me.
The next day we spent the afternoon in our pool talking and sharing more information. It was getting more and more fluid by the hour. “Time and space” I kept telling myself. We talked and talked throughout the evening, while lying in bed. The next thing I knew, I was holding her in my arms, which felt like the very first time. We were connected once again. I was firmly told that it would take some time before we had sex again. We talked a bit more, and the next thing you know, we were kissing. There was passion… a lot of it and then there was a spark to which ignited a fire. We started to touch other parts of each other and the heat started rising.
We then started to fuck… I mean we really started to FUCK! It was beyond makeup sex and it was incredible.
This fire quickly turned into a blaze and
from this moment on, it has really been daily occurrence. We started talking about sex and the things we wanted to do, things we wanted to try. I soon began to pull out toys that I had purchased but was too afraid to bring out in fear of a negative reaction. We began shopping together online for sex toys and getting excited together. She began to buy sexy lingerie all of a sudden and surprising me on a daily basis. Teasing each other by sending suggestive texts, sexy pictures, and steamy gifs. We are constantly learning new things about ourselves and each other together. The types of touch we like, provide feedback on what feels good and what doesn’t feel good. It has been incredible so far. It has been hot, steamy, sexy journey so far. There have been bumps in the road, but we talk about things now. I will admit that I don’t always have the words to describe my thoughts and feeling and I try to say things while paying close attention as to how I phrase things. Everything is still a work in progress and it isn’t just about the sexual aspect of our relationship. We are starting to work harder in other areas and are trying to spend more and more time together, while not taking each other for granted.
It continues to be an incredible journey and I cannot thank Autumn enough. She could have easily stood back silently in our presence at her condo. She could have asked us to leave and avoided an uncomfortable situation altogether. She didn’t because that is not who she is. She really cares and her active participation in few hours that we were there demonstrated everything that her blogs and social media posts indicate. She checked in with me the following day to see how we were doing and I continue to send her updates on how we are doing. I feel that these updates can hopefully brighten days during some difficult times. She is supportive, encouraging, and celebrates the journey that we are on.
I believe that some things happen for a reason, and in a strange way, I’m glad I screwed up. It has unexpectedly and quickly revitalized our marriage and it would not have happened if I didn’t fuck things up!
Let the fire burn!
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