I was sitting and getting my hair done the other day at a higher end salon and there was a client who was giving the hair dresser a hard time because the hair dressed was double booked and she was doing her best trying to balance between her and another client. The hairdresser kept telling the client that she isn’t the one who makes her schedule and that she could take it up with the owner. The client was huffing and puffing, making passive-aggressive remarks and, even though it didn’t affect her schedule at all, she wanted to be heard and she felt like she was wronged because it seems as though she had an expectation for her appointment to be strictly focussed on her and not on anyone else (even though she was waiting around anyways for her hair colour to set). I was amazed by the hair dresser’s professionalism in handling her by talking logic into her and setting a boundary by educating her on business practice, even though this client seemed like a professional herself but, clearly, experienced negative emotions when she wasn’t getting her way.
After the second client left, everything was fine again. The hairdresser and client were both happy, chatting, friendly. What was going on here?
I found myself experiencing anxiety from this interaction because I didn’t want anyone to be upset but there weren’t any solutions to fix the problem, it wasn’t my problem to fix and it wasn’t a problem that shouldn’t have been made into anything. But my problem was me and why I was reacting. It was my people pleaser tendencies to make sure everyone is happy and there aren’t any negative emotions being experienced. But sometimes having other emotions other than happiness etc. are essential for growth and they are undeniably part of life.
I realized that some people just need to be put into their place and they feel comfortable that way. Almost like a “child-parent” relationship where the child needs to be guided. And my negative thoughts were being derived from my past and triggers, and because I was conditioned to fear and be sensitive to others being upset, it has a strong impact on me.
Where Does People Pleasing Come From?
People pleasing tendencies usually start in your childhood when you’re around adults who make you feel their wrath when they’re upset and ignores how you’re feeling (or even punishes you for experiencing any negative feelings). This creates a level of hyperviglience to negativity to take care of the adult’s emotions so you do not have to feel their negative emotions to the fullest. As you grow up, these reactions do not go away and become a part of your “hot” brain, or the survival part of your brain responsible for self preservation. What are the hot and cold cognitions?
Hot Vs. Cold Cognitions
The hot system of our brain are responsible for emotional reactions. They are quick responses to situations, related to the “fight or flight”. For example, if you see a lion in the wild, you use this part of your brain to quickly assess this situation and decide whether you will try to fight or run away. The cold cognition part of the brain, however, is related to the newly evolved part of our brain (prefrontal cortex) responsible for cognitive processing. In contrast to the hot cognitions, the cold cognitions are very slow. In the same example above, after you make the decision to fight or run away, you will later reflect on your decision (if you survive) to discern whether you made the right decision or reflect on how things could have been improved. Not everyone uses this part of their brain unfortunately.
In the salon situation, my hot brain was being emotional and drove me to “fight” (people please) but my cold brain kicked in after sometime to assess my feelings, why I was experiencing them and where they came from. How does this pertain to my line of work?
People Pleasing in the Sex Industry
I chose my line of work because I enjoy making people happy, which can be argued to be a people pleaser trait and I recognize that this is a part of who I am. This is my hot cognition. However, being a people pleaser is not always a negative unless it interferes with who you are as a person by giving up parts of yourself to make others happy. I don’t see this trait as maladaptive because I have discovered my own boundaries and stuck to them with what I do, which is how I integrated my cold cognitions. I also sometime experience clients who try to “punish” me for not responding in a timely manner or even cancelling last minute several times because I was running behind on my timing previously. I recognize this as psychologically abusive behaviour and I will not enable people to treat me like this to feel empowered. I know my worth as a person and people will treat you how you allow them to. But what about other workers and what have I personally seen?
I’ve met girls at the spas who have “boyfriends” (pimps) and do anything and everything they tell them. I talked about love bombing in my previous article here and this is usually the first step that these types of abusers use to manipulate these vulnerable girls. First they love bomb “I love you”, “you’re the best thing that happened to me”, “I will take care of you” etc. Some of these abusers will even shower her with gifts to make her feel good and convince her that he will take care of all of her physical and emotional needs. Typically these abusers will target girls who have been abused throughout childhood and who are just looking to be loved.
After the girl experiences the positive feelings associated with this perceived love and care, then the abuser may convince them to work in the industry so they can build a life together (if they aren’t already working) and convince them to hand over all of their money to “take care of them”. Then, to keep the girl around, they will use threats to prevent her from leaving (physical harm, withholding love (you’ll never be loved by anyone else, if you don’t do this then I’m leaving you) and/or psychological/emotional abuse). Once they are afraid to leave, they will essentially be working for their pimps. One girl that I met had a “quota” to meet. She was so heavily into drugs and seeing the fear in her eyes from not meeting these quotas made me sad for her. She was also not allowed to drive herself to and from work - he controlled every aspect of her life.
Another thing I’ve witnessed are girls who will not respect their own personal boundaries to please clients. I’ve personally experienced clients try to manipulate me during session at the spa. “(This girl) does this service for me” or “if you do this for me, you’ll have a client for life” etc. My response, “I don’t understand why you would come to see me if you were getting your needs met by the girl you’ve mentioned?” or “I’m busy enough”. I can only imagine how this type of manipulation works on girls in the industry, especially if someone is young, inexperienced and vulnerable.
I think a lot of these girls do not use the cold cognitions of their brain to navigate the hot cognitions, especially when they are in the moment at work. What kind of impact can this have on them if they do things that they aren’t comfortable with? Is the money really worth it? Is the love you think you’re experiencing healthy? What kind of tricks are these manipulative clients trying to pull?
I believe people pleasing can be dunfinctional when you are sacrificing parts of yourself to make others happy. There is nothing wrong with finding joy and satisfaction in helping others while maintaining your morals. Further, it is important to recognize if someone is taking advantage of you and knowing when to set a boundary with these types of people. Staying true to myself is how I’m able to not lose myself while balancing my people pleasing traits in a healthy way. I experience pleasure in pleasing others and what I am comfortable with is clearly outlined in my website ensures that potential clients are given the opportunity to make an informed decision about obtaining my services. Full transparency is invaluable, and it is rare in this industry.
コメント