Trigger warning: this article mentioned CSA (childhood sexual abuse) and SA (sexual assault during adulthood). Please don’t proceed if this is something that may trigger you and please seek help if you read through this and stirs up some tough emotions and memories.
Last Saturday I shared a post on X/Twitter about the impact of trauma on our ability to enjoy the things we like. You can read it here. I meet a lot of wonderful people who have been clearly impacted by trauma related to their sexual performance: ejaculating “too quickly” (subjective), not ejaculating at all or having erectile dysfunction. This was mentioned a few weeks back in another Twitter/X post, which can be read here. Some people also deprive themselves of exploring fetishes because they’ve been shamed or have seen someone else shamed for finding pleasuring or expressing curiousity. For example, the desire to explore their bi curious side or even enjoying prostate play can be blocked by certain life experiences that may be associated with trauma or PTSD. What is interesting is that men typically associate certain types of sexual performance with masculinity. Society sets up unrealistic expectations (perpetuated by most pornography) for men to act and perform up to a certain standard. “If men deviate away from this norm, this is something they should feel shame for” - as many men are shamed for feeling or expressing any emotion other than anger if they’re upset. We will talk about this toxic masculinity another time.
Trauma is not just about what happened to you or about the person that caused you pain. It’s about the fact that you were alone to deal with this pain. It’s about the fact that no one stuck up for you, protected you, believed you or advocated for you. It’s about the fact that people undermined your experiences and invalidated your emotions. It’s also about the person who you thought was a safe place ended up shaming you when you felt comfortable to show the parts of you that you were afraid to expose.
During one of my sessions, someone opened up to me about CSA, mentioning the people in his life who failed to protect him and didn’t believe him when he was younger. He told me that he was nervous to share this experience with anyone else because the last time that he told another person that he thought he could trust (an ex girlfriend), this person ended up throwing in his face and calling him a slur when they were angry. The slur was used to not only insult him, but also to tell lies about his sexual orientation, which was used as a way to place blame on him. Using any type of information against someone is not only juvenile but also heartless, especially when someone shares about the abuse that they’ve endured. This person not only felt isolated in his childhood from not being believed or protected, but also shame as his ex lover placing blame on him even though none of it was his fault. This exasperated his PTSD symptoms and further perpetuated his preconceived idea that people can’t be trusted.
Another situation that someone shared was an ex lover told them to open up about their emotions, and share how they felt because she said she felt like disconnected emotionally. It took this person quite some time to feel safe to open up to their partner, growing up with the idea that men shouldn’t express emotions and, after sharing, she told him that he was too emotional and wasn’t “masculine” enough for her. She ended leaving him, not only breaking his heart but betraying his trust when he showed vulnerability.
In the first situation, this person endured PTSD symptoms from some horrific events that occurred during childhood, including the lack of protection and feeling betrayed by not being believed. When felt comfortable enough to trust someone who should have advocated for him and believed him, she ended up hurting him when she was too emotionally immature to handle her own emotions during a heated argument (totally unjustified).
In the second situation, this is a different type of trauma because little boys are often reared traditionally to not feel emotions, and to “suck it up” not only by parental figures, but also their peers. Their partner, who was supposed to be a safe space, encourage him to share his feelings, but apparently held the same dysfunctional belief system that had been ingrained in his mind since childhood.
What I also found interesting was that I wrote this blog a few days prior to a session I had on Thursday. During this pegging session, this person shared a traumatic SA that happened to them against their will. We stopped this part of the session at his request and I held him while he shed a few tears. He kept apologizing and felt ashamed about “ruining” our time together but this wasn’t the case at all. It was something that came up and he needed to talk about it. Suppressing it would have made him feel worse, perpetuated his toxic masculinity of “don’t talk” and “don’t feel anything other than anger when “upset”. Having me there to validate him, listen to him and work through things brought us closer together emotionally. I also felt closer because he shared trauma without any prompting, unknowingly that I was already writing this blog. So thank you all 3 for sharing. You know who you are.
What’s important is that trauma can also rob us of enjoying different types of sex and self exploration. This is also why healing is important.
Who Is The Right Person?
We all have different relationships with different people. Some people might be comfortable with surface level conversation, talking about the weather. Some people don’t know how to address someone else’s trauma and emotions because they’ve been avoiding their own trauma and pain for so long. Sharing with people who aren’t empathetic, immature, vindictive, unaccountable for their actions and unable to face their own pain are typically unable to be the support you need. People reveal themselves readily when you actively listen to what they say: how they talk about other people, the stories they tell and how they react to certain stories that may be morally questionable.
Finding someone who has done self work, and continues to work on themselves, are typically a safe space. Friends and family are great supports but it can also be helpful to speak to someone outside of your circle, free of bias, to provide a different perspective. Sometimes it’s good to talk to a professional counsellor or psychotherapist formally trained in working with PTSD or someone outside of your circle, like a life coach or even some SWers who place high importance on non judgment.
Explore The Impact of the Traumatic Event
It also boils down to what the trauma is specifically and how it has impacted you. The same thing can happen to someone else and they may have a different reaction. It’s important to know that your feelings are valid, despite how you believe others “should” act.
You may just want to tell your story and have someone help you find out specifically what is continuing to negatively impact you.
Is it something from childhood that you haven’t shared with anyone or haven’t had the opportunity to work through?
Is it something that someone said to you that continuously replays in your mind?
Is it feeling shameful about sexual performance, that I’ve mentioned at the beginning, related to pre ejaculation, no ejaculation or erectile dysfunction as well as certain fetishes that are all related to barriers of shame?
What Are Your Needs?
What do you need from the other person to promote your healing (it’s okay if you don’t know the answer).
Do you just need someone to listen and a space to tell your story?
Do you need someone to validate your thoughts and feelings?
Do you need someone to believe you?
Do you need someone to normalize your experience?
Do you need someone to present a different perspective or potentially provide some guidance, free of any type of bias?
Do you need someone to ask you questions to make it easier to share your experiences, feelings, desires and thoughts?
Do you need someone to explore with you?
Are you looking for someone to help you rewire the neural connections around the trauma?
Are you hoping to hear your trauma outside of yourself through the other person (called mirroring). Hearing your story coming from someone else’s mouth mirrored back onto you can be empowering and may also assist in gaining some new insights.
What do you need?
People can be so mean. They can say things without thinking, or considering the impact that I can have on you. They can react with inaction because they may have their own trauma that they haven’t dealt with and this has been a way to keep them safe. They can feel ashamed about taking accountability for their lack of action.
It’s important that we do not paint everyone with the same brush. For example, you may have had a terrible experience with one provider, but that doesn’t mean that everyone is like him/her. We may project our bullies onto those who have failed us and onto the people that can be important supports for our healing. Don’t deprive yourself of amazing experiences just because some people failed you. We are not all the same.
Some people choose to become the person that hurt them. And some people choose to become the person they needed when they were hurting. True compassion is often birthed in depths of despair, and trust me, I’ve been there. I’m here to support your healing if and whenever you need me. Are you ready?
Comments