Beyond Instant Gratification

I know I’ve spoken about delay of gratification in one of my previous blogs. However, I wanted to expand further on this using a particular experience with an individual last week.

The trouble with instant gratification is that it dulls our senses. When pleasure becomes a quick routine, the body learns to expect shortcuts. The more we chase release, the harder it becomes to truly feel. Over-masturbation is a perfect example - what once feels exciting can quickly turn into habit. It stops being about enjoyment and instead becomes a mindless search for relief.

I’ve been working with someone who knows this struggle well. His past experiences left him shy, cautious, and in some ways traumatized. He told me that climaxing — both alone and especially with another person — had become difficult. Even when arousal was there, his mind would slip away, pulling him out of the moment.

Recently, he’s been brave enough to experimentally change his habits. He stopped watching pornography. He started using aromatherapy as a way to anchor himself in the present as a form of mindfulness. Sandalwood became his chosen scent — earthy, grounding, almost hypnotic. He told me it helped him quiet the noise in his mind and let his body respond more naturally.

I had the pleasure of seeing him again this past week. Our time spent together was focused on me teasing him and I happen to have a sandal with candle on hand. I lit that candle, starting off with neo-tantric massage and noticed the sounds, breathing changes and bodily movements associated with his arousal. He told me he wanted to be face up and sort of “spread out” as part of our session today.

I slid a pillow beneath him, lifting him slightly, exposing him completely. He was already hard, his body eager. I teased him with toys, sliding one in and out, changing the pace, the depth, the rhythm, while my hand stroked him in time.

After some time of heightened arousal, I flipped him over and placed a pillow under his bum. His back was arched in the air, face-up. I took his vibrating dildo and slowly started inserting it inside of him. He was rock hard. Inserting the cock inside and out of him, I was stroking his cock simultaneously while changing speeds and depth of the dildo with my other hand. His body arched, his breath caught, and twice I felt him get close - teetering on that edge where control starts to dissolve.

But then, as so often happens, his mind pulled him back. The release didn’t come. And yet, when our time ended, he looked at me and said it was perfect. He was glowing, relaxed, and proud that he had felt so close. I told him what I truly believed (and reiterated what he already knew): climax isn’t the only success. The journey matters just as much, if not more. However, he was shaking in his legs, trembling with pleasure and barely able to lift himself off the massage table and into the shower.

After he was all cleaned up and ready to leave, he told me it was perfect even though he didn’t climax. He told me that he was really close twice, but then he got back in his head again. I told him that it’s okay and I’m just happy as long as he enjoyed himself. It’s nothing to feel bad about but something to continue to work on if that goal is important to him.

A few months ago, he wrote me a letter about wanting to explore the bicurious side of himself. For someone shy and self-reserved, even writing that down was an act of courage. Next time, he wants to step into that space more fully, and he requested to ensure the person is present when he arrives next time. I told him we will discuss through email prior to our day to discuss the various ways this scenario can play out and also give him time to reflect on his boundaries of what he will be 100% comfortable doing and things that he might be more reserved to save for another time.

That’s the thing about real intimacy: it can’t be rushed. Instant gratification numbs us. True fulfillment awakens us. It takes patience, presence, and trust. It’s in the teasing, the edging, the surrender, and the bravery of exploring parts of ourselves we once kept hidden. And sometimes, the deepest pleasure comes not from the release itself, but from the way we learn to feel again along the way and, sometimes, including the people we feel safe with and who we trust.

With his permission, here is the beautiful birthday card he gave me which touched my heart to see all the good I’m doing for him. Sometimes it’s difficult to see the impact you have on someone from the outside unless someone explicitly states it. Perhaps later (with his permission) I’ll share his letter with our first bi-curious experience together.