Not Always Greener: The Evolution of Our Needs

I’ve met a great deal of men who love their wives. They love their wives for different reasons. They can be a great person, a great mother and take care of all of their needs except for their sexual needs. I've heard some people say, "I wish that she just acknowledge that my penis existed".

Even less common, I’ve met many men whose wife do meet their physical needs, but it’s not enough. Some of them get sex two or three times a day even, and it’s still not enough. some cases I've heard of women encouraging their husbands to explore their fetishes. But the way they are doing it is not enough. There’s something more that is missing. Why is this the case?

I had the pleasure of meeting a wonderful individual for the second time last week. I want to use our experience and conversation as an example and perhaps apply this on a larger scale.

He shared with me that his wife always wants to have sex. He told me that when she sees that he has a hard on, she is hopping right on top of him. many men would think this is the dream. But he's obviously coming to see me for a reason.

He walked into my front door and brought me a beautiful gift of healthy treats (and a not so healthy bottle of wine - which I'm certainly not complaining about 😜). we made our way over to the coach and started chatting, which is exactly what he wanted.

We talked about many things, including the fact that we both shared the sentiment of being pleasers. Eventually, he brought up his relationship with his wife. He loves her, and he thinks she's a wonderful person, which I don't doubt for a second as he is an amazing person too. He is never deprived of his physical needs with her and she always makes sure that he is sexually satisfied.

However, for him, there is something missing. He told me that he enjoys pleasing. He also enjoys the fact that sometimes he doesn't have to be sexually satisfied. He finds it so arousing and stimulating when he is keeping his sexual drive built up, withholding orgasms for many hours or even days. He doesn’t always require his hard on "dealt with" and keeping it for as long as possible is certainly not a waste.

He asked to start out by giving me a massage which I gladly agreed to without an ounce of hesitation. After he massaged my back and my front, we spent the remainder of the session laying on my massage table - cuddling, caressing, teasing and chatting with each other. “This is what I am missing” he said.

He wanted to extend our time together, but sadly, I didn’t have the time. “Next time we will do three hours” he said.

Part of what we talked about is how our needs can change overtime. Perhaps when we are younger and full of hormones, we might want to hump like rabbits. As we get older, the things that we don’t always have access to might become more desirable. Some people like routine, but most people like the novelty of different experience. In the interactions that I experience, some people enjoy starting out with the Massage while others like cuddling. Some people enjoy dressing up more feminine with me every time because they don’t get to do it all the time, and some people don’t feel feminine enough consistently to always want to dress up. In his case, he really enjoyed the delay of gratification which is not something he gets to experience much because his wife is always ensuring to “take care of his needs”, even though his needs are different from what she believes (and he doesn’t want to disappoint her by stating otherwise). Sometimes people enjoy prostate massages and other times they want me to just play externally.

Our thoughts and feelings are sine waves. They can change over the years, day-to-day or even minute to minute. I always reassure people that it is okay to ask for what you want and it’s just as important as asking for what you don’t desire. You can agree to one thing and change your mind at any point. This is all part of consent and it fosters the development of a healthy and respectful relationship. Very rarely are people static in their needs and being aware of what you need in the moment is part of being an insightful and self-reflective person.