This week I made a post on my X/Twitter account regarding the idealized time frame that some clients (or even society as a whole) believe is acceptable to stay in the sex industry. If you don’t fit the mold, there’s something “wrong” with you, you spent your money on the wrong things when you were younger and/or you must be a drug addict, standing on the street corner looking for your next fix (some of the few stereotypes I came across). I even briefly touched on a former client who would indirectly shame me for being in the industry. I will talk a little more about this later in this blog. You can read this post here.
Recently I watched a true crime (Deadly Women) and the episode was about a man who met a shy woman and manipulated her into murdering his ex girlfriend who was due to testify against him in court. Former FBI profiler Candice DeLong explained that men who display narcissistic traits don’t like strong, independent women because they can think for themselves. They are difficult to control and therefore look for women who have low self
esteem, trauma, codependency and (sometimes) less experience in the world. It is apparent that these are the traits that pimps look for in order to control their victims and exploit them for their own gain, using coercion or threats of violence if they don’t do what they want.
Attempting to put a time limit on someone’s decision in the sex industry was made up by pimps and men who find older women too strong and too wise to be controlled. This has been perpetuated by these types of men, and also society’s ignorance and misconception that not everyone fits the stereotype of having something wrong if they choose to make a career out of what they enjoy.
It’s so interesting because this also perpetuates the stereotype of men “should” always be in charge - including in the bedroom. However, from my experience, I’ve met a lot of men who even have requested to know my age because they refused to see anyone under a certain age. A lot men want to give up control, psychologically, physically and emotionally (with expressing their feelings and vulnerabilities). We are at a point that we are shifting some of the rules, where the woman is in charge, and more men are expressing this desire for challenging all traditional male ideologies, specifically control. I also think giving up control is alluring to men because it is taboo against what men have been taught to believe.
According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-V), people who want to control others for their own gain display narcissistic tendencies (Miltra & Fluyau, 2023). Although prevalent in society (Miltra & Fluyau, 2023), I don’t think that all of these types of individuals are dangerous or even realize that they are displaying these traits. In fact, a meta-analysis found a positive association between narcissistic traits and entrepreneurship, specifically related to leadership and authority (Leung et. al., 2021). This is not always a negative thing and perhaps these traits are essential in creating successful business owners.
In the case of my former client, his motivation was to try and “save me” from the industry by using this shame to psychologically manipulate me into doing what he felt was right for me. I don’t think his intentions were to cause harm but they did. He ignored what I thought & felt and instead wanted to help me by being a more “active helper” and trying to take charge of my life. I started to believe what he was saying. The moment I realized that this was his agenda, and not my own, was the moment I had to create a boundary. I spoke about this briefly in my reply to my post thread: the moment you do things for others and not yourself, in terms of making the right choices for you in your life, is the moment you will start to feel regret and resentment towards the person who talked you into “changing”.
I am a little concerned because this former client is getting into the psychotherapy field and in this profession you are a “passive helper” not an “active helper”. In some occupations that require being a more active helper, such as a paramedic or police officer, you are in charge of the situation and you call the shots. As a psychotherapist, your agenda takes a back seat and it is your job to help the client organize their thoughts, feelings and direction in their life which resonates with them. I hope this is something that he will learn and apply to his career for the safety of his future clientele.
In summary, let people be who they are. Foster your own development with curiousity of other people and recognize that everyone’s thoughts, feelings and perspectives differ from your own. Realize that people are not an extension of you (another narcissistic quality) but rather their own being. Understand that these realities shape who we are and no single blanket stereotype to suit a short sighted agenda will ever define the complex beauty in each of us.
Credit to studies mentioned in this article:
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